Friday Funny

Have you all seen all the articles rating how toxic your kid’s sunscreen is? And the articles about how ANY screen time can cause ADHD, and how if your kid eats baby food past the age of 13 months their teeth will fall out and they will NEVER learn to chew?? OK I made up that last one, but seriously every time I log into Facebook there’s something new that I need to worry about inadvertently ruining my kid with.

It’s scary, and actually it can start to make you feel like you’re always failing in some way.  So when I came across this blog article, it made me laugh and more importantly it made me feel like I’m doing OK.  If the children of the 70’s turned out alright, I think ours will too.

If 70s Moms Had Blogs

Excerpt from ‘If 70s Moms Had Blogs’ By Victoria Fadden, originally posted on her blog where you can read the full post

 

 

This morning I got up and Jennifer and Kimberly were eating Pop Rocks in front of the TV set watching Captain Kangaroo while Matt was already out in the back yard with a glass of Tang. I sat down and had a cigarette. I really wanted to watch my programs but I didn’t want to have to get up and change the channel or mess with the antenna to get it to come in clear, so I let the girls continue until I was done my cigarette. I made sure to tell them not to drink any Pepsi for a couple hours so the Pop Rocks wouldn’t explode in their stomachs. That happened to some kid on TV, you know.

Then I went into the kitchen and poured them all bowls of Apple Jacks while I had my coffee with sweet n low and another cigarette. Halfway through my smoke, I went and got the baby, changed its Pamper and made it a bottle of formula. Then I put it in the walker so I could vacuum in peace while the other three kids went outside.

About an hour later Matt came back crying that Mrs. Johnson had spanked him because he was throwing rocks at cars.

“Good,” I told him, “I hope you learned your lesson. If I hear of you doing that again I’m

going to bust your ass too, so you got lucky this time that you only got one whipping.”

Then I sent him back outside while I continued to clean.

Little while later, here come the girls saying they’re hot because it’s 80 degrees and sunny. I gave them some more red Kool-Aid and told them if they were hot to stay in the shade and stop whining about it. 

That gave me the idea to lay out, so I covered myself in baby oil and positioned my plastic chaise lounge right in direct sunlight. I put the baby in the playpen with some blocks while I cracked open a Tab and listened to some Neil Sedaka and Captain and Tenille on my portable radio. Don’t worry, I put a bonnet on the baby since she doesn’t have hair yet.

Matt had been down at the lake fishing with all the other four year olds and he came back yelling that he had a fishhook caught in his lip so I had to get the pliers and cut it out for him. I gave him some ice, told him to stop crying and sent him back to the lake to fish some more. Continue Reading

Her new memoir, THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE is available in bookstores everywhere!

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